It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize