quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize