You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize