I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
