Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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