In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
