The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
