I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
