I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it because I queefed?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We need to feng shui this bitch.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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