I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
