Kareoke will never be a sober sport
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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