Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
