i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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