I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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