Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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