This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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