i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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