Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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