Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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