We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
