it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
