I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
