I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
