I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
