This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
