ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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