My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
