you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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