That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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