Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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