I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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