Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
