Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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