I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He passed out mid-signature
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
