saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
