Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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