I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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