I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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