There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
