Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
