I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We need a shit load of segways right now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
