her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
