forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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