last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
