I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
