Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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