I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
