he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
