the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
