remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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