I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
