The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
