i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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