if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
