If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
