Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
