wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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