Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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