i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
