I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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