Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
