never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
