So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
