Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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